Dominic has long been retarded by his ardent vegetarianism and the contrast between his inappropriately skinny ankles and his over-sized, knobbly knees. However, his ambiguously coloured skin, a result of his mixed heritage, means that he is assumed to be an oddly pale or dark skinned native in whichever country he happens to find himself.
Whilst he does not speak Arabic or French, he can speak some Portuguese including such sentences as “I am a black woman” and “the boy does not like apples, but he does like those socks over there” which should see him through any precarious situations.
A humanities graduate who was told by his driving instructor he would certainly crash within a fortnight of his driving test, he brings no discernible skills to the team beyond his less-than-questionable taste in hats. Every team must have a “first to die”, “take it out on that guy”, “yes, OK you can have him if you let us go” team member, and Dominic is unequivocally it.
Steven has played 500+ hours of ridge racer and 300+ hours of the PS1 version of Crash Bandicoot, showcasing his suitability for a long drive and his aptitude for overcoming obstacles that take the form of moving platforms or sudden gaps appearing from nowhere.
Whilst Steven is a mechanical engineer by education, his specialisms include designing (but not building) mechanisms to fold t-shirts to an incredibly high level of accuracy and reliability, water pumps and moth photography. He also spent his previous year of employment building and charming snake arm robots, which he hopes will come in handy when confronting the highly venomous central Asian pit viper, endemic to the Gobi Lakes Valley.
With an almost endless mental inventory of synopses of “It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia” and “Curb your enthusiasm”, Steve currently spends much of his time writing pub quizzes and publishing highly accredited reddit posts.
Ollie, a direct descendant of cider tycoon Henry Weston, is the most important addition to the team with his endless supply of homebrew which will not only fuel us but potentially our car as well (providing it doesn’t eat through the metal work).
Growing up on a farm and having worked on tractors his whole life, the limousine, with its fairly low-tech Honda PGM-Fi programmed fuel injection system, should be a walk in the park.
Being a budding Triathlete, we are contemplating installing pedals, a treadmill and water wheel so if push comes to shove and we run out of fuel, Ollie will be able to power the car completely by himself.
If that fails, we just need to mention the words, ‘shall we get a taxi?’ and get him a bit drunk for him to scream the words, “I do triathlon!” and run away into the night hopefully swimming the Caspian sea, cycling the Uzbek mountain range and running the Gobi desert to get help.
With a very short attention span, Jack finds himself getting easily distracted in just about everything he does. Recently a woman relieving herself on the side of the road caught Jack’s attention just long enough for him to crash his bicycle, breaking his wrist. This proved to be a problem for Jack, who aspires to be a professional drummer. Unfortunately his wrist is now fully healed, meaning that Jack will sub-consciously tap on any object that surrounds him. Luckily the limo has an electric partition, perfect for shutting him out in such a case.
Being a true Scotsman, Jack proudly wears a skirt with no underpants! This bizarre concept is almost acceptable in the UK, but we are concerned that it may cause issues with the notoriously homophobic Russian border security.
Jack has spent the previous year working at a valve company designing products with innovative features such as open and shut. He hopes this specialist knowledge will be of the great benefit to his team, perhaps during the inflation of flat tyres, during the trip.